I want God to use me, but...

I've said it before. And I truly meant it. "I want God to use me." But do I really? Last night I thought about that statement in relationship to our new adoption. What I really mean is, "I want God to use me, but..." Aha! There it is. If I'm really honest, I could tell you what comes after that little "but". It goes something like this: "I want God to use me, but...I don't want God to change me to get there. I want God to use me, but...I want things to go according to MY plan. If God's plan isn't like mine, He may expect me to change my plan. That might be painful for me. I'm not sure I want to be used if I have to grow and change in the process. And so it often has to be...for me, anyway.

I think back to October of 2004. I knew I wanted to adopt. My plan was to adopt a newborn caucasian daughter who was healthy and perfect. At that time, I thought our adoption process would be a fairly quick one. Even after applying for a China adoption, we were told about 6-8 months. Now, I realize there was a huge slow down on China's part that began in 2005 and that still continues today. But, if you ask me, the REAL reason that our adoption didn't take place until 2007 has a whole lot more to do with God changing me. Imagine if I were easily led how much sooner it may have happened. God had His work cut out for Him. God had to change my expectations and desires to fit what he already had in mind for me. I can't imagine missing out on Maimie. I wouldn't trade her for any other child on the planet.

And that brings me to our second adoption. I've been struggling with what maladies God may ask me to deal with this time around. Will His timing be what we are expecting? Will this child have an easy transition into our family, or will we face great difficulties? I know God holds all of these answers in the palm of his hand. And, yes, he's already aware that I have 4 active kiddos. He knows exactly what I can handle. He even knows that I really do want God to use me. But He also realizes that sometimes I'm a little scared about how He might want to change me so that I can be used. Fortunately God is patient with me.

Psalm 139:1-18,23-24 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you... Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.