Today marks one year since our dossier was sent to China. I remember being so hopeful that day and never even entertaining the possibility that one year later we would still be waiting. Our special needs request was sent to China on September 22 (3 weeks ago). Although in the past requests have typically been filled and referrals sent back to Lifelink in 4-6 weeks, our social worker warned us of the very real likelihood of another 6 month wait until referrals are sent back. That puts us at March or April of 2007. AARRGGHH!! Even though I am trying to mentally prepare for that timeline, a very foolish, very impractical side of me is hoping for much sooner.
Recently I have been searching for reasonably priced crib bedding that would match, at least somewhat, with Mikaela's very unique bedspread (peach/tan/pink/brown/orange). Believe me, it has been no easy task! I finally ordered a crib set online last week. When I told Steve, he said,"Why did you do that? Won't she be about ready for a twin bed anyway?" No. The answer is no. She will be in that crib until she's five so I can justify spending money on a crib set. I'm dying to buy some things for the baby, but it's a little difficult without knowing her age or size!
Several sets of twins were referred in the last batch or two of China's referrals. I would LOVE to adopt twins!! Yes, I do know that China doesn't refer twins to families with children already in the home. But I sometimes just wish we could have been an exception. We have always thought that we would want to adopt again for many reasons. We don't want baby "M" to feel like an only child in a few years when everyone else is in jr high and high school. But then I wonder how we will handle adopting again when I think about it realistically. Consider the finances and the paperwork and the grueling wait. Consider all of the wondering if she is warm and well fed. Wondering if she is being held and talked to and if someone is picking her up and rubbing her back when she cries. Wondering if she knows that she is loved and wanted. Wondering if I'm neglecting my other children if I think of her and miss her even though I have my other children around me. Wondering if I'm really even the kind of mom that she/they deserve and knowing that some days I'm not. And wondering IF it will happen at all, even though in my heart I have to believe it will.
And now as the holidays are fast approaching, I wonder how I am going to make it through the third Christmas season in a row since we began the adoption process without at least a referral? I mean, really, all I want for Christmas is just a tiny little photo of a rosy-cheeked cherub with 7 layers of clothes suspending her arms out like Randy, the little brother on the movie "The Christmas Story". Is that so much to ask?!
"Sing unto God, sing praises to his name; extol him who rideth upon the heavens by his name, [which is the Lord], and rejoice before him. A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families." Psalms 68:4-6a